I'm not sure you can put a price on the knowledge that the last five years of caffeine addiction plus an inability to work from home has afforded me, but I just did - it's $3 (well it was going to be $3.50 but they only want me to put round numbers, sorry.) That's LESS than the average cup of coffee at ANY of the Los Angeles coffee establishments I'm referring to. Look, not to toot my own horn too much but I have an EXTENSIVE UNDERSTANDING of where to go and where not to go, Yelp has nothing on me (in this very specific capacity!) In this super exclusive Google doc, there's wifi ratings, there's outlet info, there's barista superstars, there's jokes, there's anecdotes, and most of all -- there's $3.50 that you probably won't miss BUT TRULY MEANS A LOT TO ME. It's basically like buying me a coffee for my coffee shop knowledge except it is going toward a short film that I want to make so so so badly and need your help to do it! 

I'm very into sending PHYSICAL handwritten cards filled with love, tenderness, and semi-sloppy handwriting on specially designed cards. I will send you one for giving me the cost of... five one dollar times. Or a fancy latte. Or something that you could do without for one day that costs five dollars. I don't totally know your life.

You get a BEAUTIFUL THANK  YOU CARD plus a private link to the film PLUS a private link to my very exclusive and thorough PDF guide to the LA coffee shop scene (where's the wifi? where are the plugs? where's the nicest barista? where did I once see a man with the most beautiful eyes in the world?) PLUS very fancy thank you card PLUS the knowledge that $10 happening enough times could seriously help out here. SO MUCH VALUE.

For a month straight, I will text you (or email you or DM you, whatever you prefer) each morning with a combination of go getter comments, motivational quotes, and cute gifs. I won't even get mad if you don't reply. You will also get a thank you card because I am SO THANKFUL FOR YOU. You can unsubscribe at any time but you won't want to because my texts will MAKE YOUR MORNING BRIGHTER! This is like the cost of lunch if you order it on Postmates (THOSE FEES ADD UP). Plus my coffee shop guide, of course. 

(In case you were wondering, the woman who was once called "almost hot" by a stranger on the Internet is me - Cailin, not some other mysterious woman. Just me. Almost hot girl.)

So you want those motivational morning texts/emails/DMs from me but want it to really mean something? ME TOO! I will do a deep dive of your social media presence and send you hyper personalized morning greetings that will make you laugh when you wake up every day for a month (or for as long as you want to hear from me). Maybe we'll fall in love or just become really great friends, I'm down for whatever. PLUS, you'll get a private link to the short when it's done so you can think about the time we had when I was texting you while watching the film I wrote and directed, it won't be weird at all unless you make it weird. (Plus the thank you card and coffee shop guide, duh).

I will follow you on Instagram and like and comment on every single thing you post for a month (TURNING POST NOTIFICATIONS ON FOR YOU! IT'S GONNA HAPPEN!) and it will look like I have a massive crush on you (maybe I do) because social media likes and comments are a social commodity now, okay?! You'll also get a pretty card and a link to the film and a week of compliment texts and my coffee shop guide, it'll honestly feel like I'm obsessed with you but in a flattering not creepy way and you can tell me to go away at anytime.

So you wanna feel special and also want to feel like you were on set? This is the incentive for you (unless you are also attracted to a higher paying incentive in which case THAT IS THE INCENTIVE FOR YOU, I PROMISE). You'll be sent a disposable camera with pictures from set on it, it'll be super cute and you'll feel like you were there and you'll see things no one else once you develop the film. You'll basically receive a relic from a past time in the mail along with a THANK YOU CARD and a LINK TO THE MOVIE and a LINK TO MY COFFEE SHOP GUIDE and LOVE!

(To be clear, the camera will need to be developed when you receive it which seems like it would be impossible to even have happen in 2018 but there are a shocking number of one hour photos still in existence, particularly at your local pharmacy. I will Google one for you if you are in a sheer panic about where to get the pictures developed.)

With 5 days left of crowdfunding, I have $551 to raise for the greenlight (otherwise I don't get anything!) With this incentive level, if you contribute $50 now, I'll pay you back $25 by Thanksgiving via Venmo, PayPal or snailmail. This will GET ME TO THE FINISH LINE without putting anyone in a sticky financial situation (at the end of the day it's a $25 donation - that's like two drinks in LA).

There's also a $100 version of this available (aka you get $50 back by June 2019) and a $500 full loan option available (without the June 2019 deadline!) Reminder that you must choose this incentive level if it's what you want! 

Have you ever wanted wine from a film set that is actually juice and has a fun novelty prop label? Or coffee of the same description except it's actually coffee with a fun label? Or a pizza box? Or something else food related? Cool, here you go! Plus a link to the short and two weeks of personalized text affirmations. xoxo

This is mostly for my cousins who always ask me to cast them in music videos... HERE'S YOUR CHANCE. There are a couple of in public scenes in this short film - and if you want to be one of the people who walks by the camera nonchalantly while the main characters have conversations -- THIS IS FOR YOU! What a dream! Filming will take place in Los Angeles in early August 2018 - if you can make that work... you're cast. IMDb credit too if you're into that! Wow! HOLLYWOOD! It's so easy! (Plus - you guessed it... coffee shop guide - for when you're here to become a movie star, thank you note, link to film, week's worth of affirmations...)

(TERMS AND CONDITIONS: I will not be providing travel to or from LA or accommodations here because I clearly do not have the funds to do that or else I would be funding this film myself.)

A group of professional women will help you build a dating app profile that grabs the attention of your desired gender. We'll talk to you about what you're going for (fun? deep? mysterious? serious relationship?) and go from there. 

You'll need to email some prelim details about you and some pictures, then we'll talk to you on the phone (unless you hate phones, we can do this all over email too!) It won't be me doing a bunch of different woman voices, I promise, I'll actual convince my social media/dating app savvy friends to be involved. We may or may not be drinking wine when we talk to you. It'll be fun for everyone! You know what, I realize you may want advice from men too and luckily I have male friends who I could possibly convince to participate in this exercise if that's more your THING. Just let me know!!!

You will also get the thank you card and a private link to the film. xoxo

(To be clear, these are female scientists at NASA, not my friends, but we will treat your online dating presence with the care and rigour that these women treated space travel.) 

*In this context we are professional in that we have been on dates and have experience matching a lot on dating apps. 

A new incentive -- INTRIGUING! With 11 days left of crowdfunding, I have just under $4k to raise for the greenlight (otherwise I don't get anything!) With this incentive level, if you contribute $100 now, I'll pay you back $50 by June 2019 via Venmo, PayPal or snailmail. You'll SERIOUSLY help me get to the greenlight without being too financially put out and at the end of the day it's a $50 contribution (that's like... 5 or 7 lunches out depending on where you live.) There's also a $500 full loan option available (without the June 2019 deadline!) Let's make this thing!

When I was creating this crowdfund, I spent an afternoon accidentally getting drunk off rosé while attempting to put MYSELF in the pitch video. I realized I should not APPEAR in the pitch video on a fancy-ish camera because I am not an actor and I get nervous when a camera is pointed at me. The result is a lot of extremely embarrassing footage of me slightly drunk trying to talk about this project. For the sweet, sweet price of $125, I will send you a private link to a compilation of the footage which you can download and use to eventually blackmail me. In addition, you will receive a pretty card, two week of affirming texts/emails (I will actually add a sassy edge because of the blackmail component), and the link to the short. This is the best incentive for my frenemies, I would say. 

(I understand that you may have thought I was kidding/exaggerating about how embarrassing this footage is. I was not.) 

Okay, so if you read through this whole campaign:

A) I love you

B) You know that I make a living producing videos

For this very special price of $128 (28 is my favorite number), I talk to you about your short film script or music video treatment budget goals and build a preliminary budget for it so you know how much it will cost and where to allocate funds then I will disappear into the ether.  (Just kidding, I'll still be around for a follow up call and if it's super compelling I will also maybe try to pounce on producing it but not for price of $128 because I do have a level of dignity and self-respect at this phase of life even though you might not be able to tell from this ordeal. But you'll have the budget to know how much it'll cost ya!)

(Me on set, proof that I am a producer because who else would wear this outfit to set.)

(Terms and conditions here: short films are defined as anything under 50 minutes, which is under 50 pages. This incentive does not apply to feature scripts. It does apply to music videos. It will happen on a mutually agreed upon schedule after August 2018.)

Okay, so you're in a financial place where you feel comfortable donating $500 to this campaign. I'm both proud of and impressed by you. As a believer in self-fulfilling prophesies and the power of positive thinking, I know I will be in a place at some point in my life where I can comfortably pay eight people back for their $500 donations to this campaign. I can't tell you WHEN it will be - six months (my self-confidence is blinding, huh?)... a year (maybe!)... five years (for sure, right?) but if you choose to donate to this specific incentive, you have a guarantee from me that I will pay you back unless I die before I have the money (not in a morbid way!), in which case you can take $500 worth of items/valuables from my apartment.

(Please note you must click this incentive for me to be obligated to pay you back!)

I totally understand that no one will purchase this incentive but just know that if you do I will talk to you about your wants and needs (from coffee shops) and make it the best hour long coffee conversation you've ever had and OBVIOUSLY the coffee and pastries will be on me. It has to be in Los Angeles though. Or maybe New York. I'll be in New York a bunch later this year. Wow, this would be SO cool for the two of us, huh? And if we hit it off, what a cute story that you sent me $1,000 so we could get coffee together and I could make a short film. Aw, it's like a modern fairy tale! 

OF COURSE I will also send you a thank you card and a private link to the short but to be very clear, this is not an IOU xoxoxo AND I will not be providing travel or accommodations <3 

You know when you're watching a movie and sometimes the movie star's name flashes under the "executive producer" credit and you're like "wow, I wish that could be me?" I can't make you a movie star (yet!) but here's your shining opportunity to be an executive producer AKA a dream weaver AKA my favorite person (people? we'll see). YOUR NAME WILL BE WHERE MOVIE STAR NAMES USUALLY GO. Wow! Hello Charlize Theron! Hello Brad Pitt! Hello YOU! It'll even be on IMDb to make it as real and official and movie star Executive Producer credits.

You also get literally everything else mentioned (other than the IOU, don't try to loophole me!) because you are AMAZING.

This would fully fund my short with some contingency, so, you know what... Let's do it.

Have you always wanted a beautiful downtown LA quick chapel wedding? Cool, I will literally marry you. I don't know if it will mean much or if we'll ever see each other but if you want a wife, here I am. Is it legal to put this as an incentive? I think so. I guess I'll find out! (Divorce fees that I assume we'll need eventually NOT INCLUDED OK!)

Because I will be a good and generous wife, you can also get the other things mentioned here other than the IOU and the coffee date because we will be married. (That's not really a reason, I just feel like... we'll be tired of each other after the ceremony. Even though I appreciate you so much, I'm just so tired, you know?)

Wow, we're getting into funding the feature! So fun.

This is the riskiest incentive yet because I did not get approval from the bride (my sister!) or groom (my future brother in law!) and they will either think this is very funny or not funny at all, we'll see! I think they'll think it's funny but only if it doesn't happen, which it won't... right? Am I using reverse psychology on some rich person reading this campaign? Maybe. 

My sister is getting married in September. It's a fall wedding in a beautiful setting with a lot of very fun people and good food. I've been debating bringing a date for the past six months so honestly this would solve that conundrum and fully fund my short, what an amazing combo. There's everything in it for me and nothing in it for you other than having a good story to tell for the rest of your life, but maybe you're a lonely philantropist who wants to be surrounded by love - that's beautiful. I can guarantee you will witness love and a lot of drunk dancing.

Yeah, basically if you fund the feature version you can come to my only sibling's once in a lifetime event with me and see a very cute town in New York and meet my entire extended family, I feel like this will reveal if I have an extremely rich stalker. Fingers crossed? 

(Terms and conditions apply in the imaginary world where someone has $1m laying around and uses it for this purpose I will actually need to vet you before bringing you to one of the most important days of my sister and her fiance's life but I'm sure you're super super cool and normal, come!)