This film was written, directed, executive produced, edited, line produced, costumed, designed and composed by women and reveals a hidden women's story. Over 50% of the women involved in the production of this film are over 40 and are pursuing their passion of filmmaking despite age and gender bias.

 

From the Writer/Director

WHAT?  MAKE A FILM?

Three years ago, after a long day of filming, I rode the subway home with several cast-mates and crew sharing what they had done for Halloween a few nights earlier.  Seated next to my then director (David Spaltro, this film's Associate Producer) I explained that while I tried to make Halloween fun for my children, it wasn't my favorite holiday. When asked why, I made a brave choice for myself. For the first time, I quietly shared the story of my miscarriage on Halloween 12 years earlier. I had never spoken those words aloud to anyone but my husband and doctor. He encouraged me to make a short film, which I quickly dismissed while realizing the thought terrified me.  Not only had I never made a film nor written a script, no one knew of my miscarriage.  Why would I ever want to share that, especially so publicly? Who would ever want to hear about it, much less watch a short film about it?  Turns out more than I could have ever imagined.   In her book, “Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar", Cheryl Strayed said, 

 

                 “The healing power of even the most microscopic

                    exchange with someone who knows in a flash

                    precisely what you're talking about because she

                    experienced that thing too cannot be overestimated.”

 

ASKING & SHARING

I started sharing my story, asking other women if they had ever had a miscarriage or knew of someone who had, and if they would be interested in seeing this story on screen.  I was truly stunned by the answers I got.  I found out that several friends and complete strangers had experienced miscarriages and, they too, had never told anyone, except maybe one or two people.  Women tearfully shared their story of pain, sadness, anger, embarrassment, frustration, guilt, gratitude, determination and their journey of moving beyond it.  But the truth is they still carried the pain of loss with them and kept it secret.  As we shared our stories, we felt oddly comforted, and relieved.  As the secret came out, the shame and loneliness diminished. We felt listened to and understood. Men also expressed relief at being able to talk about how difficult it was for their partners and for themselves, and the challenging recovery afterwards.

 

LOSS IS LOSS

To lose a pregnancy, desired or not, is a painful, scary, lonesome, and desperately sad experience that catches you by surprise and leaves you mourning the loss of possibilities. After talking with all these women, I knew that I had to make a film to bring this story out of the shadows and challenge the societal code of silence surrounding pregnancy loss.

 

 

SYNOPSIS 

Mother to a middle-schooler, Cate has suffered secondary infertility for years--and now finds herself pregnant again. Having long given up on her dream of having another child, she grapples with this new hope. But when Cate suffers a miscarriage, she finds herself in the shoes of countless women, silently grieving a life that will never be.

 

THE PROCESS

When I started writing this story, so many questions came up. Societal mores warn us not to share our pregnancies until we are past that magic number of 12 weeks in case we miscarry. Does that mean a baby lost before then isn't valid?  And if we aren't supposed to share our joy of pregnancy, the implicit message is we certainly shouldn't share our pain and mourning for the loss. Why do we feel responsible and blame ourselves? We feel so helpless wondering why it happened and can't help but think if only we had [insert reason here] maybe the baby would have survived.

 

 

WHY IS IT CALLED "MISCARRIAGE"?

Miscarriage is a misnomer!  It sounds inherently like we did something wrong, we miss-carried the baby when, in most cases, there was nothing that could have prevented it from happening.  The very word implies guilt.  In reality, most miscarriages can't be prevented.  45% of miscarriages are due to genetic abnormalities, 50% of miscarriages are unexplained.  Nevertheless, misguided beliefs persist and many woman wonder what they could have done differently.  A better term for what really happened is "pregnancy loss" because it inspires empathy instead of blame and shame.

 

WANTING MORE?

Furthermore, why did I feel guilty for wanting another baby when I already had a chld? Shouldn't I just be grateful I was lucky enough to have any children when there are women (including some of my friends) who suffer from infertility? As the story unfolded on the page, it was natural to address another seldom-discussed women's issue: secondary infertility.  I struggled with this for over 2 years but like my miscarriages, I never told anyone.  I even denied we were trying to conceive again.   Secondary infertility accounts for 30% of infertility cases but many aren't even aware it's an issue.  Even if you already have a child, when your body and mind say it's time to have another and it's not happening, desperation can set in. It is a frustrating, demoralizing experience coupled with the added guilt and judgment of thinking you should just be grateful for the child you already have. I was grateful, but I was also overwhelmed with an unexplainable biological urge to have another child. Knowing others were struggling to have their first child, I judged myself very harshly for this desire yet was haunted by the hope that wouldn't go away. This desire can wreak havoc on a woman's life and her relationships, yet is hard to shake. So imagine suffering from secondary infertility for years, finally becoming pregnant only to lose the baby? The story presented itself.

 

 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

1 in 4 woman will experience Pregnancy Loss yet it rarely gets talked about. Women soldier on and grieve in silence.  I set out to create a simple, truthful story about an outwardly normal day in the life of a mother juxtaposed with the reality of a miscarriage.  Every pregnancy loss is different: it happens at work, at a birthday party, the grocery store, in the middle of the night, but every women has a universal experience of pain, blood, and ultimately, loss.  I want women to watch the film and feel understood in a flash.  When they are unable to find voice to share their experience, they can say to someone, “take 15 minutes out of your life to watch this film and then you might understand some of what I went through" or "am going through.”  I hope sharing this story will encourage other women to share their stories, grieve their loss with support from friends and family, and see that they are not alone.

 

Please join us in helping this film reach the women who are silently suffering.

 

Color Correction Helps the Story Come Alive!

 

Before Color Correction 

 

 After Color Correction