In the throes of a panic attack, Zach crafts a suicide attempt that lives up to his extremely high standards.

I'm gonna try to explain it as best I can. We'll figure it out together. I'm an outgoing and friendly guy (at least that's what my mom tells me) in my early 30's, and in this film I experience acute psychological stress while completing my daily chores.

We meet Zach (that's me!) in the midst of this panic attack that leads him to suicidal ideation.

In his mind's eye, we see Zach's body hanging by a noose from his bedroom ceiling.

Judging the circumstances of this imagined suicide to be subpar, he conjures up several escalating suicide attempts including jumping from a rooftop and shooting himself in the head--never able to get it just right.

Zach eventually breaks out of the downward spiral when he's reminded of his responsibilities towards his friends, family and perhaps most importantly, his two hungry cats.

Conscription (2021): A son's struggling relationship with his father is pushed to the point of breaking when he runs away to join a white supremacist militant group.

A 25-minute senior capstone film made during my time as a student at Utah Valley University.

-Stunts

-Weapons

-Dozens of Extras

Watch: https://vimeo.com/1075592762

The Way Things Are (2023): A man intervening in a suicide attempt for someone he barely knows grapples with his inability to connect—and his desire to get out of the situation as quickly as possible.

A 16-minute dark comedy/drama made independently using personal and crowdsourced funds.

-Moving vehicles

-VFX

-Tight Shooting Schedule

Watch: https://vimeo.com/1076251395

My previous work is emblematic of the themes I gravitate towards: loneliness, isolation, and suicide. “why the fuck am i like this?” builds on my past work while exploring new storytelling techniques.

“Conscription”, my senior capstone film, lays the foundation for cinematic storytelling. It explores loneliness and belonging with a strong plot. The material conditions of the characters inform their actions and reactions.

“The Way Things Are” expands on this concept, telling the story of suicide and isolation through strong character development. Each decision made leads directly towards or away from isolation, regret, and self-actualization.

Both of these stories suffer from the same problem--they’re too damn long! Short films are supposed to be short. As a result, my previous projects haven’t gotten the attention necessary to make an impact.

“why the fuck am i like this?” represents an evolution in my film-making journey. It’s an exercise in tight, focused visual and aural storytelling. This script focuses on sensory experience--from both an audience and a character perspective, weaving a poetic narrative that shows the audience the devastating impact of loneliness, isolation, and suicide ideation firsthand, rather than just talking about it.

This unique approach requires a more varied set of skills.“why the fuck am i like this?” is inherently rhythmic. It moves, thumps, swirls. Much of the film takes place inside the protagonists head, creating space for the use of surreal, abstract audio elements. Collaborating with dedicated musicians/sound designers is essential to achieve our vision.

Parallel People (pictured) is a music and sound design collective, founded by Niccolò Chotkowski and Daniele de Virgilio. Their audio expertise and unique approach to musical composition makes them ideal collaborators on this project. Together, we’ll create a sonic language that guides us through every phase of production.

16mm Film

Saturated Colors

Long Takes

High-Key Lighting

Practical Effects

I’m not totally sure. But many young people today are asking themselves this same question. Suicide is one of the leading causes of death in the United States, and as the loneliness epidemic rises, this issue only gets more pressing.. Though there’s no shortage of suicide focused art, the portrayal of this topic in popular media often lacks the authenticity required to discuss such a complex subject. Combining the mundane with the dark and exploring new storytelling techniques, “why the fuck am i like this?” portrays one man’s struggle of suicide ideation with the blunt nuance and black humor not often associated with this pressing issue.

So, what happens if this project gets the green light?

We'll use the funds raised in this campaign in the following ways:

1. 16mm Film. This film will be shot on 16mm film. Purchasing, processing, and scanning celluloid is expensive! So why go through the hassle? Nothing quite captures life like celluloid. "why the fuck am i like this?" blends the realistic with the abstract. Not only will 16mm look much better than digital, the medium itself communicates the personal, raw nature of this project. It's worth the cost.
2. Lens Package: We're not gonna go through the trouble of spending a bunch of money on 16mm film if we don't capture the best images possible. Quality glass is essential to showcase every last detail.
3. Locations: Film is a visual medium. Every location, every aspect of the set design is important to tell this story.
4. Paying Our Crew: I simply cannot make this film alone. A talented crew is paramount to the success of this collaborative project.

If we get the green light, we'll start shooting within two months, with a finished film within six. Your donation will make this possible.

Thank you for your contribution, we couldn't do it without you!